Vodka Blues

(Read with Johnny Cash voice)

This is the story of my phone lost in a quest
Memories are blurry so I will try my best:
Last September in Almaty, Kazakhstan
I was having beer and vodka with a French man

We headed to a dark bar packed with local punks
Folks poured us more vodka till we were drunk
Music was good, but the place became a sausage fest
So a move we made, hoping to find some big breast

I was dancing around trying to get my dick sucked
But more vodka came and I got pretty fucked
After peeing in, the sink I dragged myself out
About my poor condition, there was no doubt

I wandered around a park feeling like crap
I bumped into a bench, nice spot for a nap
Sweet dreams I had till a douche waked me up
“Do I know you dude, tell me what’s up?”

Don’t remember why, but I handed him my phone
For it back, I asked, but the cunt was gone
Slowly I stood up, but I felt down
I tried another time, but again, I hit the ground

I needed to get home, but I was quite far
No other choice but to stop a car
At that late hour, there was no more mashrutka
No one to ask, not even a single babushka

So skilled I am, in Russian I made (almost) a rhyme
Don’t know how to solve this one though… lime?
Back to the story, crawling, a road I found
Lost and sick, I tried my luck around

Suddenly a patrol came out of the blue
All cops are bastards, with me they would screw
They asked for my passport threatening me to jail
Bring on those handcuffs at least there I’ll sleep well!

Pricks weren’t happy, that wasn’t their aim
My pockets they started checking with no shame
One of them took all my cash with his dirty claw
I let my fist fly finding the pig jaw

The other one took me down, again the ground I kissed
Assholes ran away, I was very pissed
No phone, no money, I was in deep shit, you see
I hollered, “Lenin Lenin, have mercy on me”

No clue where I was but my flask I still had
And didn’t get raped, so it wasn’t that bad
For being stupid I paid the price
I can’t forget the day I’ve been robbed twice

Come on you’ve gotta listen unto me
Lay off that beer and let that vodka be

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