Looking for a Job

Jan 2014

After an in-depth analysis of the current political-economic climate, and  the situation of the job market, and, an equally thorough assessment of my skills, capabilities and motivations relevant to work placements, whatever I have written before it’s no longer valid  and can be replaced by the following:

I will work for food and/or accommodation. I accept beer as food. By working, I mean taking naps.

Dec 2013

Only 2 months after I wrote this post in the first place I managed to update my CV. You can find it below in English, Spanish and Russian (I speak many languages, did I tell you before?). Note that this resume is aimed to web development roles so I am highlighting the web skills and experiences I don’t have. Still, I think I am more honest than most of the people on it. I would like to consider other kinds of jobs I like more such as gardener, dog walker or prostitute (high-class only). I can easily make up different CVs lying accordingly to job requirements.

JB_CV_EN

JB_CV_ES

JB_CV_RUS

I have now a linkedin account. After long browsing in my pic folders, I found a photo to upload where it looks like I actually give a fuck.

As the time is passing it is for me more urgent to find a money income so I made relevant changes to the previous text. You can find them in this color (yes, I know how to change the text color thanks to my web skills, isn’t that amazing?).

Oct 2013

I already booked my return flight tickets and looks like pretty soon I will be needing a job so I am taking advantage of this blog huge audience (millions read it every day…) to get some help. I will be available from beginning Oct. Don’t worry, I will keep posting about the trip, Central Asia is coming soon…

During this time, I was looking for alternatives to the labor slavery and I have got some ideas, but, unfortunately, all of them are either illegal or highly unethical. Seems that working is the only way I have left to get those papers you can exchange for food and beer at shops.

My last job was doing web development (WordPress and other shit) but I am happy to consider any kind of well-paid job as long as I am not expected to work hard. If you know about anything in this line, please don’t hesitate to contact me. If you recommend me, I will buy you a beer two beers,.

I will update my CV as soon as I can, but that would take some time as I will have to add all the languages I picked on my travels. The fact that I am currently around countries where vodka is plentiful certainly won’t help speeding things.

In the meantime, please find below a list of personal skills that make me a fairly good employee. Please note that I try to be honest and not boasting bullshit like most people do:

  • I shower every day and brush my teeth after each meal, true story
  • I am quite punctual. I arrive within 30 min from my starting working time most of the days. If I am very late, I am happy start working upon arrival and postpone my breakfast, news reading, and fb checking
  • I always leave on time, so the company doesn’t have extra energy costs
  • I work well under pressure, actually it is the only way I will work
  • On average I go to work sober and not hangovered 4 days a week and I usually don’t drink more than 2 pints during working hours. I improved a lot on this
  • I dress well, and most of the time keep my pants and shirt on
  • I don’t steal office equipment to resell it, just take what I need for my personal use
  • No matter how busy I am at work, I will manage to spend at least 10% of my time researching online for fun stuff to amuse my working mates. I have  contacts that provide me regularly with such contents as well.
  • I pee in the toilet bowl
  • On Mondays, I will ask my colleagues how was their weekend and will reply That’s great!!! No matter how lame their life is. I can do weather talk and pretend interest in their personal issues.
  • I never get sick so I will only throw 3-4 sickies a year to extend weekends
  • I am pretty good with deadlines. I accomplish 90% of the tasks I am given to with no more than a 50% delay in the time given. Better than most politicians!
  • I can pretend I like my job and show interest in the company affairs. I can make my boss feeling smarter by being fool
  • I am happy to interrupt a working nap if an urgent task comes up
  • I may make some remarks about my female coworkers breast, but it won’t get further. I was never reported for sexual harassment
  • I am a great team worker. I can improve my colleagues performance by reducing mine so they will feel important
  • At company parties, I get drunker and do more stupid things than anyone else, so others won’t feel so embarrassed about their behavior.
  • I am loyal. I won’t leave unless I am offered more money or better conditions somewhere else
  • My farts don’t smell

All the companies I worked for still exist. That proves all the above true. From my skills, you may think I am overqualified for most of the jobs you know, but don’t worry, I am very down to earth and happy to consider non-challenging positions.

Working hard
Working hard
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