Looking for a Job

Jan 2014

After an in-depth analysis of the current political-economic climate, and  the situation of the job market, and, an equally thorough assessment of my skills, capabilities and motivations relevant to work placements, whatever I have written before it’s no longer valid  and can be replaced by the following:

I will work for food and/or accommodation. I accept beer as food. By working, I mean taking naps.

Dec 2013

Only 2 months after I wrote this post in the first place I managed to update my CV. You can find it below in English, Spanish and Russian (I speak many languages, did I tell you before?). Note that this resume is aimed to web development roles so I am highlighting the web skills and experiences I don’t have. Still, I think I am more honest than most of the people on it. I would like to consider other kinds of jobs I like more such as gardener, dog walker or prostitute (high-class only). I can easily make up different CVs lying accordingly to job requirements.

JB_CV_EN

JB_CV_ES

JB_CV_RUS

I have now a linkedin account. After long browsing in my pic folders, I found a photo to upload where it looks like I actually give a fuck.

As the time is passing it is for me more urgent to find a money income so I made relevant changes to the previous text. You can find them in this color (yes, I know how to change the text color thanks to my web skills, isn’t that amazing?).

Oct 2013

I already booked my return flight tickets and looks like pretty soon I will be needing a job so I am taking advantage of this blog huge audience (millions read it every day…) to get some help. I will be available from beginning Oct. Don’t worry, I will keep posting about the trip, Central Asia is coming soon…

During this time, I was looking for alternatives to the labor slavery and I have got some ideas, but, unfortunately, all of them are either illegal or highly unethical. Seems that working is the only way I have left to get those papers you can exchange for food and beer at shops.

My last job was doing web development (WordPress and other shit) but I am happy to consider any kind of well-paid job as long as I am not expected to work hard. If you know about anything in this line, please don’t hesitate to contact me. If you recommend me, I will buy you a beer two beers,.

I will update my CV as soon as I can, but that would take some time as I will have to add all the languages I picked on my travels. The fact that I am currently around countries where vodka is plentiful certainly won’t help speeding things.

In the meantime, please find below a list of personal skills that make me a fairly good employee. Please note that I try to be honest and not boasting bullshit like most people do:

  • I shower every day and brush my teeth after each meal, true story
  • I am quite punctual. I arrive within 30 min from my starting working time most of the days. If I am very late, I am happy start working upon arrival and postpone my breakfast, news reading, and fb checking
  • I always leave on time, so the company doesn’t have extra energy costs
  • I work well under pressure, actually it is the only way I will work
  • On average I go to work sober and not hangovered 4 days a week and I usually don’t drink more than 2 pints during working hours. I improved a lot on this
  • I dress well, and most of the time keep my pants and shirt on
  • I don’t steal office equipment to resell it, just take what I need for my personal use
  • No matter how busy I am at work, I will manage to spend at least 10% of my time researching online for fun stuff to amuse my working mates. I have  contacts that provide me regularly with such contents as well.
  • I pee in the toilet bowl
  • On Mondays, I will ask my colleagues how was their weekend and will reply That’s great!!! No matter how lame their life is. I can do weather talk and pretend interest in their personal issues.
  • I never get sick so I will only throw 3-4 sickies a year to extend weekends
  • I am pretty good with deadlines. I accomplish 90% of the tasks I am given to with no more than a 50% delay in the time given. Better than most politicians!
  • I can pretend I like my job and show interest in the company affairs. I can make my boss feeling smarter by being fool
  • I am happy to interrupt a working nap if an urgent task comes up
  • I may make some remarks about my female coworkers breast, but it won’t get further. I was never reported for sexual harassment
  • I am a great team worker. I can improve my colleagues performance by reducing mine so they will feel important
  • At company parties, I get drunker and do more stupid things than anyone else, so others won’t feel so embarrassed about their behavior.
  • I am loyal. I won’t leave unless I am offered more money or better conditions somewhere else
  • My farts don’t smell

All the companies I worked for still exist. That proves all the above true. From my skills, you may think I am overqualified for most of the jobs you know, but don’t worry, I am very down to earth and happy to consider non-challenging positions.

Working hard
Working hard

The Making Of

Two months later here I am writing and still missing Asia a lot. But let’s be positive, here it is possible as well to do nice things and have new experiences… bullshit!

Anyway, I am writing this post to tell about how it felt to do this blog, how it was done, the magic behind the scenes and all that crap. I found a great and pleasure and relieve in writing. I could say that I did it for friends or whatever but no, the truth is (contains Breaking Bad spoiler):

The blog was written in 3 different notebooks which probably will end up in museums when I become famous. You can see in the pics. From those to computers mainly at internet cafes. Many times when typing in the night loneliness I was feeling a bit like a mix of Uncle Traveling Matt from Fraggle Rock and Doogie Howser (Neil Patrick Harris before awesomening up to Barney Stinson).

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When I had some idea I was writing it down (the part I liked, beer helped a lot) and later when I would feel like, I would try to wrap those into texts. That was the most difficult part, as my skills are not the right ones for that task. But it is important to keep things tidy I guess, that’s why when I go to a bookshop I try to place the Bible under sci-fi and Coelho’s in the dust bin.

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I am very satisfied with the feedback I got and the audience, more than expected. Though sometimes I thought about including terrorist threats to get Obama and the NSA to read it.

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There are a few future developments I have in mind. They are very unlikely to happen though, mainly because of laziness:

  • Making it stylish (web design-development, WordPress… I don’t like)
  • More pictures
  • More sexual jokes and racism
  • Writing about other subjects of my interest, such as international politics, beer, Dostoievski, sheep, green energies,  German porn, Ingmar Bergman, curling…
  • Goats and donkeys
  • Adding posts from previous trips
  • Hashtags (the international looking for attention sign)
  • Including the word beer in every single post (not many missing). Some people told me these days that from the blog they got the impression I was involved in much drinking and general debauchery (I just learnt this word, liked it and wanted to use). Not at all, just a few times but then it’s when interesting things happen, no good story ever started with drinking tea.

It was not always easy as many times I was running out of ideas and happenings to post about but then who cares? fuck it!, after all I am no writer just another dude with another lame travel blog.

Hard working
Hard working in Katha, Myanmar

OK, now the truth. I just stayed at home, photoshopped myself into some pics of places and hired a 10 years old Chinese boy to write the blog.

One Year of Awesomeness – Season Finale

I am sure this blog season finale was more expected than the last Breaking Bad episode, when Walter White stabs to death his crippled son (I wish… no spoilers, don’t worry).  

During this amazing year I have seen many places, from the Nepali Himalayas to Bangkok red light districts, from Indonesian volcanoes to Phnom Penh brothels, from Central Asian yurts to Makassar “karaokes”, from Lao mountains to Hong Kong massage parlors and so on. Here a few things I have done that made this trip so awesome:

  • Visited many Countries: Nepal, India, Myanmar, Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, Malaysia, Indonesia, China, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Blowjobstan, Kazakhstan, Ukraine.
  • Rode animals: elephant, camel, horse, donkey, fat-ass sheep, Thai hookers.
  • Have seen more animals: monkeys, orangutans, unicorns, rhinos (nope, I missed them), snakes, yaks, mosquitoes, parrots, dogs, tropical fishes, manyhorns, turtles, more monkeys, buffalos…
  • Drugs I took: No! I don’t do that. Drugs are bad, not as bad as Paulo Coelho tough.
  • Ethnic and tribal people: Tibetans, Indian sellers, holy men, long neck women, ladyboys, Akha, lazy Laos,  Batak Toba,  Mentawaians, Balinese, Tana Toraja, Bajau, hipsters, Jackie Chans, Uighurs, Central Asian sheep-shagger nomads…
  • Extreme sports: Bungee jumping, trekking, pParagliding, extreme not giving a fuck, scuba diving, wWakeboarding, bridge motorcycle jumping, barbecuing, gangbanging, fishing, shepherding, vodka for breakfast…

I had countless great experiences, indeed. Overall, the best were the people. I cannot thank everyone that helped during this time here because it would take me at least two lines, kidding, I would need another blog. I am already missing Asian friendly folks and their big smiles. They will be always in my heart.

There are some places I would love to go back, mainly in Central Asia and, of course, my beloved Indonesia.  And many others I would love to visit in the future such as: Ladakh, the Tribal East and an ashram in India, Papua Island, Mongolia, Pakistan, North Korea, Barakaldo, Maluku Islands, Philippines, Kamchatka, Kazakh steppe…

Full-time awesomeness is over. I guess now I have to move on, and go back to “reality”. The concrete jungle, where the most aggressive and dangerous animals live. “Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television….” Well, you have watched Trainspotting, I don’t need to go on. So this is the “real”, the other wasn’t, good to know.

Home is wherever I am with you
Home is wherever I am with you

Before finishing, I want again to thank you all who wasted a bit of your time reading this blog instead of watching cat pictures, porn or doing productive work. MANY. MANY THANKS!

And I am ending this trip as I started, quoting the greatest, which, to make it clear, doesn’t apply to this trip:

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”
― Charles Bukowski

Goodbye Lenin

The weather was quite cold and I felt lazy to go to Crimea (next time) so I took a night train to Kharkiv. I didn’t know much about the place but looking at the map an University city there shouldn’t be bad.

Indeed apart from the obvious the place was nice, with some pretty orthodox churches, a flea market, some parks, decorated tube stations Moscow style (well, kind of) and so on. The main thing there is a huge square. They claim the 3rd in the world after Tiananmen and the Red Square. What makes it special is a big inspiring Lenin. Well, actually in Tiananmen they’ve got a Mao and the Red Square have the Lenin mummy. Never mind, Kharkiv main square is cool because I say so.

Awesome
Awesome
Super awesome
Mega awesome

I had a great time there meeting interesting characters like a dude who developed 7 theorems that explain the world and the meaning of life during one year “into the wild” around Russia and Belarus, true story, book coming soon. The nightlife was great as expected and I had a perfect guide to it, a local post punk guitar player. But the best was the girl working at the hostel and her friends. They took me to places (even to a dinner at their place), gave great advice and offered me to stay at her friends’ in Donetsk. There were as well a bunch of Uzbek students around to discuss Central Asian matters (corruption, plov eating, sheep shagging…)

Flea market stuff
Flea market stuff

Another night train took me to Donetsk, the last destination. The place hasn’t got much to see apart from a few statues devoted to hard working miners and another cool Lenin. But ad I confirmed many times in this trip people are more important than places. I stayed with some really nice locals and had a great time, even with a bbq on my last night.

Comrade Vladimir at Donetsk
“Freedom in capitalist society always remains about the same as it was in ancient Greek republics: Freedom for slave owners.”  – Comrade Vladimir

And the time to put an end to the good life arrived. But I did it in style. At the flight I took at 6 am the dude next to me opened a bottle of… guess what? starts with a “v”. So I arrived to London ignoring queues Asian style and saying hello in Russian at the passport check. Only meeting old friends (and beer) relieved me from the sadness of the big smoke. I had got used to local markets, everything cheap, street foods, friendly people, a slow pace, sun, nature, smiles… and London is completely the opposite with its all-the-same franchised shit, people rushing… It’s gonna be very difficult to adapt, I feel I don’t belong here any more.

Battleship Potemkin

Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Rasputin, Tchaikovsky, Lenin, Trotsky, Eisenstein, Tarkovsky, Yuri Gagarin, Laika, Anna Kournikova, Misha the Bear, Dimitri Radchenko, Smirnoff… and I can go on with the list of great Russians for the history. Unfortunately when we think of the country first thing that comes to our mind is vodka, unless you have been there before, in which case is the second. So much I wanted to go to my beloved Russia but I couldn’t. Instead, from Almaty I flew to Ukraine.

From Kiev airport, I went straight to Odessa where I spent a few days. After almost one year outside Europe, it felt very strange being able to enjoy the silence, cleanliness and tidy traffic in a city.

The stairs. Respect
Potemkin stairs. Respect

Beautiful city, good atmosphere and good cheap beer. Many pretty buildings, a big market, nice bars… I like Odessa.

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Something was happening

 

Vodka Blues

(Read with Johnny Cash voice)

This is the story of my phone lost in a quest
Memories are blurry so I will try my best:
Last September in Almaty, Kazakhstan
I was having beer and vodka with a French man

We headed to a dark bar packed with local punks
Folks poured us more vodka till we were drunk
Music was good, but the place became a sausage fest
So a move we made, hoping to find some big breast

I was dancing around trying to get my dick sucked
But more vodka came and I got pretty fucked
After peeing in, the sink I dragged myself out
About my poor condition, there was no doubt

I wandered around a park feeling like crap
I bumped into a bench, nice spot for a nap
Sweet dreams I had till a douche waked me up
“Do I know you dude, tell me what’s up?”

Don’t remember why, but I handed him my phone
For it back, I asked, but the cunt was gone
Slowly I stood up, but I felt down
I tried another time, but again, I hit the ground

I needed to get home, but I was quite far
No other choice but to stop a car
At that late hour, there was no more mashrutka
No one to ask, not even a single babushka

So skilled I am, in Russian I made (almost) a rhyme
Don’t know how to solve this one though… lime?
Back to the story, crawling, a road I found
Lost and sick, I tried my luck around

Suddenly a patrol came out of the blue
All cops are bastards, with me they would screw
They asked for my passport threatening me to jail
Bring on those handcuffs at least there I’ll sleep well!

Pricks weren’t happy, that wasn’t their aim
My pockets they started checking with no shame
One of them took all my cash with his dirty claw
I let my fist fly finding the pig jaw

The other one took me down, again the ground I kissed
Assholes ran away, I was very pissed
No phone, no money, I was in deep shit, you see
I hollered, “Lenin Lenin, have mercy on me”

No clue where I was but my flask I still had
And didn’t get raped, so it wasn’t that bad
For being stupid I paid the price
I can’t forget the day I’ve been robbed twice

Come on you’ve gotta listen unto me
Lay off that beer and let that vodka be

Julio: Cultural Learnings of Kazakhstan for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Galicia

Update: When I wrote this post I forgot to tell you about a movie that may be of interest to many of you. Borat is not the only Kazakh movie. If you want to get more insight about Kazakh nomadic steppe sheep you should watch Tulpan. 100 thrilling minutes observing the difficult yet exciting life of such wonderful animals!. Very likely, if you watch it you will be left hungry for more nomadic life amusement. Then you can check right away this Mongolian one about a camel, very moving when the humpbacked dies in the end. Both highly recommended, think about showing off to hipsters. Sweet dreams.

Kazakhstan is the most developed and westernized country in the region so I guess Borat would rather be Kyrgyz or Uighur. I had less than a week in the country and I was quite lazy at this point of the trip so didn’t do much, just Almaty.

Almaty is another pleasant Soviet city with the usual big gardens, leafy avenues, krushchyovskas… I stayed with the best CS host at her amazing 18th-floor apartment enjoying sunsets, good music, beer, vodka and the company of other nice fellow travelers.

Cathedral in Almaty. Apparently all made of wood  (even the screws)
Cathedral in Almaty. Apparently all made of wood (even the screws)

The only place I visited was the Kazakh “great canyon”. It may the Colorado one, but it is cool. I spent one night camped there and as I arrive quite late I had the whole place to myself and skipped the entry fee.

Canyon
Here you go

I hope next time I have more time in the country to explore its many worldwide famous  tourist attractions such as Astana, the steppe and… wellyou know… all the others.

The pretty steppe, a huge mass of nothingness. In a lucky day you may even find a sheep but don't count on it
Pretty steppe, a huge mass of nothingness. On a lucky day, you may even find a sheep to shag but don’t count on it

One night going out I decided to exchange my second phone for a donkey. OK… that’s not true. I wish I did so I’d be the owner of a cool donkey, but that was not the case :(. I finish my trip without any phone or donkey. What happened that night may fill another post in the future, not sure. For the time being I am gonna leave here the pic of the happy donkey I posted a long time ago

Happy donkey
Happy Donkey